Is Co-Sleeping Destroying Your Relationship?

hi I'm Dana Oh Bowman creative of the

sleep science program and I was going

through all the questions people sent in

to me today and I can't I'm always

surprised I don't know why it surprises

me but I I get a lot of questions about

children mainly toddlers in their two

and 3's who are sleeping with their

parents you know it's just interesting

because I don't hear a lot of people

talk about it I think it's something

that parents keep quiet and it's sort of

everyone's a little secret that that

they're sleeping with their children but

when you have an opportunity to write

into me and ask your questions i would

say at least half of them are parents

who are looking for ways to get their

children not even babies anymore out of

their beds and so that leads me to this

week's what I call Dana's rant and it's

about Cole sleeping and I know it's a

touchy subject because there are lots of

people who think that you should closely

that it's best for your children to

co-sleep that they're somehow more

secure and developed and and better

better equipped to deal with life and

then and their opinion this totally

nothing wrong with co-sleeping and I'm

not even here to reform those people if

co-sleeping is working and everyone

likes it and loves it and getting a good

night's sleep then who am I to say

change it but the question are the

comments I get from from my readers are

people who aren't that happy with

co-sleeping anymore or Never we're happy

with co-sleeping anymore and I call that

co-sleeping out of necessity and it's

not because it's a choice it's because

it's a half to it's the only way a child

or a parent get it gets any kind of

decent sleep and it usually involves one

parent leaving the bed and going to

sleep somewhere else and my problem is

that that's not something that should be

maintained I mean these are people

writing in with two and three-year-olds


for two or three years now the situation

has been that that child's been sleeping

in your bed and most likely your partner

hasn't and I mean I'm the first one to

acknowledge how much work marriage takes

it takes commitment to staying connected

to one another it takes effort to spend

quality time just a two of you or else

you start to feel this sort of quiet

disconnection slipping in and it's quiet

because it's not really noticed at first

and sometimes it's not noticed until

it's too late and you realize I don't

even feel like trying to get back into

this relationship is too far gone and

you know what bothers me is that in my

opinion I think my marriage and the

relationship I have with my husband is

one of the greatest gifts I can give my

children I think that if they see two

parents who are respectful to one

another who make time for one another

who put each other's you know priorities

and needs on the top of their own list

then they're going to go out into the

world and and they're going to look for

that in relationships with the people

that they choose and they will have

hopefully happy relationships that

they'll then pass on to their children

and so you know I strive hard and I

encourage my my readers and my clients

to you know reevaluate the situation and

start putting yourself and your partner

back on the list of priorities and it's

really hard to maintain a level of

intimacy you know emotional and physical

if there's a child in your bed you know

I was teased my husband and say you know

if you are looking for anything tonight

don't even mention the kids names I

don't even want to think about the kids

if that's what that is that's something

you're interested in tonight because

being a mummy and being a woman are very

far away on my

spectrum mummy's way over here and sexy

woman is way on the other end and I

don't you know I don't want to think

about the kids if I'm trying to get in

the mood so I think it's probably tough

now again though be people who write in

and say I you know we have sex and our

child success and it's fine and okay

that's that's maybe the minority but I

would think that the majority of people

have a hard time sort of having a

connection with their spouse with a baby

in bed it's it's tough it's really tough

so and often you know it's one parent

who's not necessarily happy with the

arrangements but you know i'm going to

pick on dads and mums in a way because

it's often dads who write in and say you

know I'd really like my bed back and and

and I you know you shouldn't feel bad

about that it shouldn't be something

you're ashamed about or feel guilty

about not at all because that's your bed

and that's where you should be you know

and i think if we lived in a different

situation where you know we lived more

communally with each other that we did

live in sort of a village environment

where you know i'm exhausted because i

was sleeping with the baby all night

there's 10 other people who can help you

out during the day but that's not the

case that's not the society that we live

in you know most people are isolated

they don't even have family in the same

town so if a parent is up all night then

it's a parent who has to deal all day

with that same child and often a mom

who's up and then has the deal and all

of this so you know I just don't think

it's realistic it's not I agree that it

takes a village to raise a child but we

just don't live in a village and so we

have to make we have to make changes

based on on our reality which is I need

a good night's sleep because I have to

be the one that deals with this child

all day or goes to work all day and and

and everyone needs our sleep so if you

are what I've called co-sleeping out of

necessity than I encourage you to to

make some steps in the right direction

to change that situation I think

you know ultimately it's best for the

whole family and that's you know when i

whenever I'm working with someone it's

important to say is everyone happy it's

not just about the baby and it's a baby

happy and is he going to be you know

getting enough sleep and it's everyone

is everyone happy is everyone getting

enough sleep it really that's the only

way in my opinion a family works is if

everyone's needs are respected and being

met so that's my rant for this week

thanks for watching and sleep well