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10 Reasons to Hate Moths

Hi everyone, Jay Swanson here. This is an adaptation of a blog post I wrote just over

a year ago, which was an adaptation of a Twitter rant I went on just a few months before that.

I wrote this when I was in a place in Africa that mandated I sit outside to use the internet.

Actually, I could sit inside but the number of openings in the walls and amount of bird

poop on the floors made it feel like it was outside. In either case, the moths were a

pest with which to be reckoned. So, with no further adieu, here are ten reasons why I

hate moths. You can make up your own minds. Reason number 1. Moths are imposters.

That’s right. People often ignorantly associate moths with their better-known cousin, the

butterfly. The thing is, butterflies are gentle, beautiful creatures that flutter gently in

the breeze and brighten your day.

Moths are dirty, heavy, dusty creatures that would take your wallet as soon as spit on

you. Both of which they’re attempting to do every time they flop by. They’re evil

and annoying. Reason number 2: They love to hit you in the

face. I don’t know what it is about moths, but

they have this terrible tendency to flutter into your face. And it isn’t ever the soft,

gentile touch that we so regularly associate with butterflies. Flutter is probably the

wrong word. They flap and smack you in the face repeatedly whenever they get the chance.

And they don’t go away. It’s like they’re searching desperately to escape a fire and

you’ve got massive “emergency exit” signs plastered on your forehead.

Not to mention they do it so hard that they often wound themselves. Fatally. And then

they expect your pity! Reason number 3: They get dust on everything.

Why on God’s green Earth are they covered in dust? That seems like reason enough to

hate them, but in the end it’s not for me to judge what you cover yourself in. Just

don’t get it on me! It’s like having some scrub for a neighbor that’s never heard

of soap come over at random and rub himself on your furniture. Thank God moths don’t

smell like your hobo neighbor. In reality they probably do, but thankfully are too small

to register in the olfactory senses. Reason number 4: They flutter all over your

computer screen If you’re in a fairly dark area there’s

a good chance a moth is attempting to hump the living daylights out of your computer

screen right now. I couldn’t tell you why it’s so infatuated with your screen, but

it’s probably obstructing your view as you watch this very video. There are few things

as annoying as that. When you’re focused on something like your computer and there’s

something hovering around and interfering with your ability to see. You might as well

have someone walk by and dangle a hotdog in front of the screen. They should probably

hit your computer with the hotdog too because moths like to fly as hard as they can into

things as if they were trying to enter another dimension.

You might as well hit yourself in the face with that hotdog while you’re at it because

you know that moth is coming for you. Reason number 5: They obstinately refuse your

help. For something so small and stupid you should

have an easy enough time getting it out the door, right? Wrong. Because odds are they’re

huge, heavy, and make weird buzzing noises whenever you get close. And they bounce. I’ve

tried to hunt down moths for hours before. And every time you hit them they just bounce

away behind something to hide. It takes an elaborate system of well timed pushes and

pulls on available objects to flush them out from wherever they are (which is never where

you expect). Then of course you have to overcome your stark terror when it flies directly at

your face long enough to bat it down again in self defense. Which, of course, leaves

you in the “finding moth” phase again. You try to usher it out into the back yard

peacefully, but every time it gets within inches of the threshold it darts back into

the room. By the time you get it out into the wild again it’s mortally wounded. Expecting

your pity. Flopping around on the porch like you were trying to do this to it the whole

time. Ugh… Reason number 6: They leave a mess if you

do kill them. So you’ve given up on getting it out the

door peacefully and have decided just to end everyone’s suffering and kill it. Well not

without leaving a mess. It’s like moths are built to encourage you to kill them with

every excruciating motion and yet discourage you from doing just that with the results.

Not only do they leave a dust trail across your computer screen and around your ear (a

choice location for repeated visits), but as soon as you give them even the most gentle thwack you’re

rewarded with a disproportionate amount of brightly colored guts. How God packed that

much goo into each and every moth I’ll never know. In the end they put Gushers to shame

(and now you’ll never look at those things the same again).

Reason number 7: You can't kill them, and feel satisfied.

Why? Not because the act doesn’t deserve satisfaction. I mean you started out out trying

to save its life and in return it hit you in the face about ten times. No, it’s because

there’s always some overly-conscientious animal lover nearby. Someone who would stop

using anti-bacterial soap if they realized the massacre that resulted from each hand

washing. It’s because the hottest girl in the room happens to see you smash that dirty

moth, and you smile. And when you make eye contact she looks at you like you’ve stepped

over that line that only professional assassins and payday loan dealers ever cross.

Reason number 8: They sense vacuums in moth space.

Even if you do manage to kill one and avoid the inevitable lecture that’s lurking around

the corner, there is an infinite number of moths waiting to replace their fallen comrades.

They rarely show up all at once. No. They hang out in solitude or, at most, with a partner.

Their plan? To annoy the hell out of you. Then, when you’ve finally gotten them back

outside or, heaven forbid, killed them, two more pop up. They usually give you a few minutes

of respite to let you settle back down. To begin to appreciate your peace and calm. Get

back into your book. And then BAM! They smack you in the face and you’re back to

square one. Reason number 9: They're terrifying

This could fit anywhere, but my buddy Jeff will be the first to admit that the right moth

at the right time will scare the living daylights out of you. In fact, he’ll admit that any

moth will scare him at any time anywhere. When we were painting our house a few years

ago he had to take a two-hour break because of a buzzing-moth incursion. But anyone caught

off guard will jump out of their skin at the random appearance of a moth. And of course,

that random appearance usually has fallout. Like it dive-bombs you, bounces off your face,

and lands in your food. Flops around for a while, then disappears. Your food is ruined.

You have a fresh stain in your pants. And all you want to do is kill… kill… kill…

Then you try to go to the bathroom to clean up, turn on the light, and BAM– moth attack.

It hits you in the face.

You scream and roll around on the ground like you’re on fire. It finds a new place to

hide. And the cycle continues. Reason number 10: They're ridiculously stupid

We all hate stupid people to some degree. You might not hate them, that’s a strong

word, but they certainly frustrate all of us. Even stupid people get annoyed by stupid

people. Moths are the Jersey Shore of the animal kingdom. Next time a moth is trying

to get out of your house, open a window. It’ll find the glass pane alright, but I promise

it won’t find that opening for at least six minutes. If you try to help it, odds are

it will just slap you in the face and wander back towards your tasty tasty clothing. I

didn’t even mention clothing! Reason number 11: Moths eat your clothes!

I mean, COME ON!  As if slapping me around, getting dust on my computer, ruining my food,

and scaring the poo right out of me wasn’t enough. Now you have to go hide in my closet

and eat my shirt? This is one of those sneak attacks that you might not even attribute

to the moth. You’ll be half-way through your job interview before you realize that

the interviewer is staring at your chest. And you’re a guy. And then you realize that

you have holes in your nice button-up shirt where cloth should be covering your nipples.

Granted you should have realized this BEFORE you walked out of the door. But how often

do you really check for these things? And you won’t even think to blame the moth.

You’ll blame your shirt-eating roommate who you knew you should have kicked out when

the lease was up…

Granted, if that happened you could probably get the job just by threatening to sue for

sexual harassment. Though odds are a moth would get into the judge’s chambers and

annoy him into having you held in contempt of court.

I’m telling you, moths are jerks. They’re out to get you. So get your shotguns. It’s

moth season. If you liked this video, be sure to share

it with the world because, I mean, let's be honest, we all need to be on the lookout for

moth attacks. Share it on Facebook, share it on wherever, like it, you know, subscribe

on YouTube, comment, be my friend, let's hang out, and let's fight the moth invasion together.

Because, everyone's worried about zombies, but the real danger is the moths.