What is best for moths
10 Reasons to Hate Moths
Hi everyone, Jay Swanson here. This is an adaptation of a blog post I wrote just over
a year ago, which was an adaptation of a Twitter rant I went on just a few months before that.
I wrote this when I was in a place in Africa that mandated I sit outside to use the internet.
Actually, I could sit inside but the number of openings in the walls and amount of bird
poop on the floors made it feel like it was outside. In either case, the moths were a
pest with which to be reckoned. So, with no further adieu, here are ten reasons why I
hate moths. You can make up your own minds. Reason number 1. Moths are imposters.
That’s right. People often ignorantly associate moths with their better-known cousin, the
butterfly. The thing is, butterflies are gentle, beautiful creatures that flutter gently in
the breeze and brighten your day.
Moths are dirty, heavy, dusty creatures that would take your wallet as soon as spit on
you. Both of which they’re attempting to do every time they flop by. They’re evil
and annoying. Reason number 2: They love to hit you in the
face. I don’t know what it is about moths, but
they have this terrible tendency to flutter into your face. And it isn’t ever the soft,
gentile touch that we so regularly associate with butterflies. Flutter is probably the
wrong word. They flap and smack you in the face repeatedly whenever they get the chance.
And they don’t go away. It’s like they’re searching desperately to escape a fire and
you’ve got massive “emergency exit” signs plastered on your forehead.
Not to mention they do it so hard that they often wound themselves. Fatally. And then
they expect your pity! Reason number 3: They get dust on everything.
Why on God’s green Earth are they covered in dust? That seems like reason enough to
hate them, but in the end it’s not for me to judge what you cover yourself in. Just
don’t get it on me! It’s like having some scrub for a neighbor that’s never heard
of soap come over at random and rub himself on your furniture. Thank God moths don’t
smell like your hobo neighbor. In reality they probably do, but thankfully are too small
to register in the olfactory senses. Reason number 4: They flutter all over your
computer screen If you’re in a fairly dark area there’s
a good chance a moth is attempting to hump the living daylights out of your computer
screen right now. I couldn’t tell you why it’s so infatuated with your screen, but
it’s probably obstructing your view as you watch this very video. There are few things
as annoying as that. When you’re focused on something like your computer and there’s
something hovering around and interfering with your ability to see. You might as well
have someone walk by and dangle a hotdog in front of the screen. They should probably
hit your computer with the hotdog too because moths like to fly as hard as they can into
things as if they were trying to enter another dimension.
You might as well hit yourself in the face with that hotdog while you’re at it because
you know that moth is coming for you. Reason number 5: They obstinately refuse your
help. For something so small and stupid you should
have an easy enough time getting it out the door, right? Wrong. Because odds are they’re
huge, heavy, and make weird buzzing noises whenever you get close. And they bounce. I’ve
tried to hunt down moths for hours before. And every time you hit them they just bounce
away behind something to hide. It takes an elaborate system of well timed pushes and
pulls on available objects to flush them out from wherever they are (which is never where
you expect). Then of course you have to overcome your stark terror when it flies directly at
your face long enough to bat it down again in self defense. Which, of course, leaves
you in the “finding moth” phase again. You try to usher it out into the back yard
peacefully, but every time it gets within inches of the threshold it darts back into
the room. By the time you get it out into the wild again it’s mortally wounded. Expecting
your pity. Flopping around on the porch like you were trying to do this to it the whole
time. Ugh… Reason number 6: They leave a mess if you
do kill them. So you’ve given up on getting it out the
door peacefully and have decided just to end everyone’s suffering and kill it. Well not
without leaving a mess. It’s like moths are built to encourage you to kill them with
every excruciating motion and yet discourage you from doing just that with the results.
Not only do they leave a dust trail across your computer screen and around your ear (a
choice location for repeated visits), but as soon as you give them even the most gentle thwack you’re
rewarded with a disproportionate amount of brightly colored guts. How God packed that
much goo into each and every moth I’ll never know. In the end they put Gushers to shame
(and now you’ll never look at those things the same again).
Reason number 7: You can't kill them, and feel satisfied.
Why? Not because the act doesn’t deserve satisfaction. I mean you started out out trying
to save its life and in return it hit you in the face about ten times. No, it’s because
there’s always some overly-conscientious animal lover nearby. Someone who would stop
using anti-bacterial soap if they realized the massacre that resulted from each hand
washing. It’s because the hottest girl in the room happens to see you smash that dirty
moth, and you smile. And when you make eye contact she looks at you like you’ve stepped
over that line that only professional assassins and payday loan dealers ever cross.
Reason number 8: They sense vacuums in moth space.
Even if you do manage to kill one and avoid the inevitable lecture that’s lurking around
the corner, there is an infinite number of moths waiting to replace their fallen comrades.
They rarely show up all at once. No. They hang out in solitude or, at most, with a partner.
Their plan? To annoy the hell out of you. Then, when you’ve finally gotten them back
outside or, heaven forbid, killed them, two more pop up. They usually give you a few minutes
of respite to let you settle back down. To begin to appreciate your peace and calm. Get
back into your book. And then BAM! They smack you in the face and you’re back to
square one. Reason number 9: They're terrifying
This could fit anywhere, but my buddy Jeff will be the first to admit that the right moth
at the right time will scare the living daylights out of you. In fact, he’ll admit that any
moth will scare him at any time anywhere. When we were painting our house a few years
ago he had to take a two-hour break because of a buzzing-moth incursion. But anyone caught
off guard will jump out of their skin at the random appearance of a moth. And of course,
that random appearance usually has fallout. Like it dive-bombs you, bounces off your face,
and lands in your food. Flops around for a while, then disappears. Your food is ruined.
You have a fresh stain in your pants. And all you want to do is kill… kill… kill…
Then you try to go to the bathroom to clean up, turn on the light, and BAM– moth attack.
It hits you in the face.
You scream and roll around on the ground like you’re on fire. It finds a new place to
hide. And the cycle continues. Reason number 10: They're ridiculously stupid
We all hate stupid people to some degree. You might not hate them, that’s a strong
word, but they certainly frustrate all of us. Even stupid people get annoyed by stupid
people. Moths are the Jersey Shore of the animal kingdom. Next time a moth is trying
to get out of your house, open a window. It’ll find the glass pane alright, but I promise
it won’t find that opening for at least six minutes. If you try to help it, odds are
it will just slap you in the face and wander back towards your tasty tasty clothing. I
didn’t even mention clothing! Reason number 11: Moths eat your clothes!
I mean, COME ON! As if slapping me around, getting dust on my computer, ruining my food,
and scaring the poo right out of me wasn’t enough. Now you have to go hide in my closet
and eat my shirt? This is one of those sneak attacks that you might not even attribute
to the moth. You’ll be half-way through your job interview before you realize that
the interviewer is staring at your chest. And you’re a guy. And then you realize that
you have holes in your nice button-up shirt where cloth should be covering your nipples.
Granted you should have realized this BEFORE you walked out of the door. But how often
do you really check for these things? And you won’t even think to blame the moth.
You’ll blame your shirt-eating roommate who you knew you should have kicked out when
the lease was up…
Granted, if that happened you could probably get the job just by threatening to sue for
sexual harassment. Though odds are a moth would get into the judge’s chambers and
annoy him into having you held in contempt of court.
I’m telling you, moths are jerks. They’re out to get you. So get your shotguns. It’s
moth season. If you liked this video, be sure to share
it with the world because, I mean, let's be honest, we all need to be on the lookout for
moth attacks. Share it on Facebook, share it on wherever, like it, you know, subscribe
on YouTube, comment, be my friend, let's hang out, and let's fight the moth invasion together.
Because, everyone's worried about zombies, but the real danger is the moths.
